This Valentines Day it’s time to rethink our approach to attachment

I’ll never forget the day I took my 10-year-old son to a skatepark. After assuring him I’d be straight back, I went to get my coat from the car. A few minutes later, he came running out to the carpark in a full-on panic, screaming, "I thought you were going to drive off!"  A similar scene plays out whenever I try to go to the toilet in places like trampoline parks. My son will often ask, “will you come back?” Quite often he’ll pursue me into the toilet, calling my name with a level of panic that suggests he really believes I’ll disappear.

At the same time, my son can also push me away with intense defense mechanisms—often manifested as hostility or aggression.

My son is adopted, as with many adopted children, attachment theory is often used to explain these challenges. The assumption is that separation from caregivers and a lack of emotional attunement in early life has led to attachment struggles.

But can we really attribute all of these behaviours to post birth attachment issues? Or does attachment theory – originally developed by John Bowlby in the 1960s – need an update?

Rethinking Attachment Theory

The idea that post-birth experiences like separation from caregivers can explain attachment related behaviors is both compelling and hopeful. Attachment theory suggests that, with the right therapeutic parenting strategies, caregivers can help heal broken attachments by learning to attune to their children’s needs.

But through my research and conversations with caregivers I’ve found that this focus on post-birth attachment can leave us feeling blamed and shamed. Parenting programmes that emphasise post-birth attachment often imply that if we can simply attune to our children’s needs in the “right” way, their extreme emotional and behavioral challenges will improve. However, when these strategies fail—or even make the situation worse—caregivers are left feeling at fault. This, in turn, creates even more frustration and stress for families.

The Role of Prenatal Exposures in Attachment Difficulties

What if the root cause of these attachment difficulties is more complex than we’ve realized?

There’s growing evidence that prenatal exposure to substances, particularly alcohol, can significantly alter the developing brain and nervous system. This is especially relevant for adopted and looked-after children. Yet what’s often overlooked is the idea that prenatal exposures, which can also involve violence, can impact the attachment system in the brain before birth.

For example, prenatal brain changes might affect a child’s ability to understand object permanence or internalize the “good” aspects of a caregiver. This can lead to anxiety that a parent might abandon them and could explain my son’s panic when I’m out of sight.

Prenatal brain changes can also heighten a child’s sensitivity to perceived danger and make them feel more threatened by vulnerability and dependancy in relationships. This vulnerability can lead to defensive behaviours like aggression or hostility as children attempt to regulate overwhelming, uncontainable feelings.

Moving Forward with More Understanding

Acknowledging that attachment difficulties may, in part, stem from prenatal changes in the brain and nervous system could be an important shift in how we approach these challenges. By expanding our perspective to include these brain-based impacts, we can move away from blame and shame towards more compassion and understanding for families like mine. We can open up more helpful ways to connect with our children and with ourselves.

And, as we rethink attachment this Valentine's Day, what better hope than that?

Anna Webster is the Founder and Director of Neurowise